The Freedom of Self-love.

Self-love has become such a popular term that’s it is practically part of our everyday conversations. We offer a friend advice, telling her to “love herself”.

How does self-love allows us to experience freedom? And three more ways we can learn to love ourselves.

Self-love is my favorite subject at the moment. I’ve been trying to use my time in lockdown to reconnect and finally start to love myself. It’s not easy, nor does it happen by the click of your fingers. Rather, it’s a process that can take months, years, or even decades.

Interested in reading more about self-love? Check out some of these other posts available on Nyxie’s Nook.

Learning to practice self-love.

By Wendy J Cope.

Self-love has become such a popular term that’s it is practically part of our everyday conversations. We offer a friend advice, telling her to “love herself”. Or we ask her why it’s so easy for her to love others, but not offer the same to herself. We hear songs telling us the greatest love is to love ourselves or that we cannot love anyone else unless we love ourselves first. The list goes on and on.

But isn’t “self-love” just a nice way of saying conceited or cocky? If not, what is it exactly? We’re all entitled to our own explanation, after all, it wouldn’t be self-love if I told you what you had to believe. But here’s my understanding of what it is, what it’s not, and how different life is when you have it.

At the heart of happiness is an innate understanding of one’s worth and believing that they are “enough.” Good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, having enough.

Knowing your worth and understanding that you are enough is the best definition of self-love I can give you.

It shows up in having a deep sense of confidence regardless of whether life is going as planned or not. It’s not conceited. Rather, it’s knowing that the combination of both your strengths and weaknesses is what makes you the amazing human being that you are. With intimate knowledge of who you are and zero interest in hiding behind facades or pretenses, comes inner-peace and profound contentment.

Conceit and cockiness are rooted in fear. They stem from the need to feel superior to others to validate one’s worth. Instead of embracing their faults, conceited people deny they have them or blame others if they admit to them at all.

With self-love comes freedom from crippling fears.

Freedom from fear of rejection.

This isn’t the same thing as freedom from rejection; it’s the absence of the fear of it. In other words, you’ll be rejected at one time or another. Plan on it. The difference is that you’ll be willing to take risks to step closer to your dreams and not be paralyzed by anxiety, wondering “what if…”

You’ll apply for that dream job, flirt with that person, or ask for help when you need it. If you don’t get the job, or the person doesn’t flirt back, you won’t internalize it as a reflection of your worth. Sure, it might sting for a minute, but you brush it off and move on, knowing that statistically, you’re one “no” closer to your “yes”! Even if someone does laugh at you or say something rude, you believe that reflects on them and their fears and isn’t indicative of your value.

Freedom from financial insecurity.

This doesn’t mean you’re going to get rich, although I hope that you do. What it does mean is that a chronic panic about money will leave you. Now you might be thinking that you don’t have money problems and there’s no chronic panic about money. That’s great news, but hear me out. Most fears boil down to two root causes:

  • Fear of not getting what we want,
  • And the fear of losing something we have.

In my experience, when it comes to finances, most of us on the journey to self-love either worry about not having enough security or losing any sense of security they have. When you love yourself, you have faith in you; you trust your instincts; you believe in your resiliency and ability to be resourceful to meet your basic needs.    

Freedom from fear of failure.

By now, you know this isn’t promising wild success. It’s promising that you’ll have the willingness to step outside of your comfort zone to try new things. You’re resilient; you look at all outcomes as learning experiences, not failures.  Besides, you intuitively know that the worst-case scenario seldom comes to pass anyway. If you choose not to take a calculated risk, it will not be a fear-driven decision.

With self-love comes opportunity.

People with real self-love have more energy because they’re not exhausting themself trying to please others. They trust their intuition and don’t engage in the mental aerobics of second-guessing themselves or feeding irrational fears. Their emotions aren’t clouded with doubt, so they have a keener sense of clarity. Because of this, they are more receptive to opportunity. Better still, they create them by pursuing their passions.

Three steps to learn self-love: It’s a CHOICE

Forgive yourself.

Guilt saps self-love, confidence, and self-esteem.  Everyone has a story. Regardless of where you are, where you’ve been, who you are, or what you’ve done, if you’re holding on to guilt or shame from the past, you need to let that $#!T go! If you need to “right a wrong” and apologize, then do it and be done with it already. Sometimes it’s hard to say we are sorry or amend a situation if we did wrong, but holding on to the guilt is far more harmful to our happiness than the pain of walking through it. I speak from experience on this one.

Give yourself permission to live free of remorse because no matter what you think you should or should not have done, you did the best you could with what you had to work with.  Life isn’t always fair, and somethings bring out the worst in us. No one is perfect.  Yesterday is gone, don’t get stuck there. At this moment, you are precisely where you need to be; you are enough; you are worthy.  

Self-love is based on who you are, not what you do.  Self-esteem comes from what we do.  If you want to boost self-esteem, do self-esteem-able things.  Eat well, get some exercise, help someone in need, be kind to others even if they aren’t kind back!  Feeling good about the things you do will progress into feeling good about who you are.  

Celebrate your successes.

Stop focusing on the things you don’t have or didn’t do. Make a list of everything you’ve succeeded at and let yourself feel the joy. Feel it in every bone in your body. Consider who you had to be to make it happen, what challenges you overcame, what sacrifices you made to reach success. Believe that you can use those talents to take on new challenges. If you find yourself thinking of your weaknesses, consciously find five things positive about yourself for every one negative.  Share that courtesy to the people around you too. What you see in others (good or bad) reflects what you see in yourself.   

Believe.

There is no magic formula to having real confidence and love for yourself. It does not come from outside of it but lives inside of you right now. You can never “have” enough of anything that comes from outside of you to fill an inner need. If you think money is the answer, you’ll always want more; if you are looking for approval from others, it will work for 2 minutes and then you’ll be seeking it again. Find it in you, because that’s where it is. If you struggle to access it, get help from a friend, a mentor, a teacher, or a coach. I promise the answers you seek are within. 

Having self-love does not mean life will be all unicorns and rainbows. There are still going to be bad days, disappointments, and wounded pride. Things will sometimes go awry, and when they do, it stinks.   You’re not a mythological god or goddess, you’re human, and some stuff just feels yucky. Don’t try and deny the feelings, feel them. Feel them fully, but don’t become them. Think of them as unexpected company stopping in. “Visit” with them but don’t invite them to “move-in”.

How do you move on? You decide to. Period. You examine your beliefs about yourself and the world around you. You can change them. Nothing is a failure unless you say it is. It can be just as easy to look at things as a learning experience or an adventure; the choice is yours. Failure only has the power that you assign to it; assign yourself more power.    When you empower yourself, it’s easy to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move onward. And that my friend, it living life through the lens of self-love.


About the author.

Wendy Cope. Personal Growth Coach, CEO & Founder of Life Coach Library.

“I specialize in helping anyone affected by addictions (personal recovery, adult children, and codependents) emerge from damaging beliefs so they may live their best life. I am not everyone’s best coach, and for that reason, I founded lifecoachlibrary.com, where you can try up to 3 coaches RISK-FREE.”

66 comments

  1. recently I’ve been more stressed probably because of this lockdown, so thanks for reminding me to self love

  2. I think I’m getting to that point now in my life where I’m just like f*ck what anyone else thinks to be honest. I’ve lived for 27 years sacred of what others think, and I don’t want to be doing this until I’m in my 90s.

  3. I believe our relationship with the world is defined by how much we love ourselves. Self love is the most important form of love. Unless we learn to accept ourselves unconditionally, and learn to overcome all the insecurities, we’ll never find true happiness.

  4. I always feel so inspired, motivated and happy after reading one of your articles. Thankyou for helping everyone in such a nice way 🙂

  5. Love this post! I think it is really easy to think loving yourself is selfish, and maybe that is what held me back so long, but I am a much happier person now that I look out for myself and remember that sometimes exactly what I need is a cup of tea and place to sit down for a little while. 🙂

  6. Self love is such an important topic, particularly in our current times. As a lifelong “overthinker” I have to constantly remind myself not to focus so much on what other people say and do.

  7. What a great guest post! Self love is so important; something I’m trying to focus on myself. Thanks for sharing x

    Paige // Paige Eades

  8. Self love/care has become really important to me, after about a year ago I realised basically everything was falling apart, and a lot of it stemmed from me not looking after myself. It’s weird that something that sounds so easy can be so difficult. I’m much better now, but it still often feels like a battle.

  9. I think it’s healthy people spend time loving themselves but not to the point it becomes self obsessing. Its a great way to re-charge and grow as a person

  10. So much yes! You’re so right that it can take decades. As a childhood abuse victim, I had a terrible self image from very young, way into my 20s. To tell the truth, it popped up every now and then in my 30s too. I was lucky that I had partners in my late teens/early 20s that viewed me much more highly than I viewed myself and slowly managed to convince me that I was better than I thought I was.

    Somewhere in my early 30s I reached a good level of not giving a f*ck about others thoughts of me and therefore stopped basing my self worth on others ideals. It was liberating and pretty much when my actual life began.

  11. Thank you so much for stopping in and reading. It takes a lot of practice, and I’m still practicing, but like you’ve said it becomes easier with time.

  12. I’ve heard so many people refer to self-love as arrogance, when in fact it’s entirely the opposite. I think it’s actually humble!

  13. I love the topic of self love too. This is a beautiful post. I always leave your blog learning new things and I love it!

  14. I feel self love is the biggest form of love, if we can’t accept ourselves fully and love ourselves, we can never be capable of loving another.

  15. I think taking care of ourselves is so important. Especially forgiving and believing in ourselves!

  16. Self-love is one of those things that is easy to say but sometimes not so easy to practice, but once you practice it more and more it gets easier. Thanks for sharing this point, I feel like this is a great time to remind people about about self-love because of the current global situation and such.

  17. Self love is so very important and I appreciate you sharing as it is a good reminder for everyone. I am going to share this one with my brother as he needs to read this so thank you for sharing and good bless!

  18. This is very helpful and an excellent resource on self love. I firmly believe true happiness in rooted in this, so thanks!

  19. Self care and self love is important in just about every aspect in life. Everything is much easier when you feel good.

  20. The thing about self-love is that lots of people confuse it with being prideful while others don’t understand that if they don’t love themselves then it would be difficult to love anyone else.

  21. Self love is the most important thing for everyone..loved the definition of self-love that is indeed very true and necessary…These all mentioned ideas and everything is really very true and meaningful..Thanks for sharing..Great work..Loved this…

  22. Thank you so much for reading Jenny! It’s certainly a life long battle for me but I am becoming more at peace with myself the more I listen.

  23. Self-love and wellbeing is so important to practice. It’s not egoistic, it’s showing the utmost respect for yourself.

  24. This is wonderful. Having self love is important. Sometimes I find I am mean to myself and I remember: hey, be nice!

  25. Self love is so important but it’s definitely not easy to love ourselves and it can be a long journey until you reach that point where you can love yourself for who you are! x

  26. Amazing post and some fantastic food for thought here. I especially love the notion that most of our fears come down to those two causes – I’ve never actually thought of it like that and it’s so true! Self love has always come incredibly difficult to me but I’ve found a few journal prompts that are super helpful in getting you to start leaning towards treating yourself better. Thank you so much for sharing x

  27. Great guest post, thank you both for sharing. Self love is so important and really can be a lifelong journey. It’s not easy as there are so many external factors that influence our ability to love ourselves – which is so sad really x

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