Why is weight gain so hard?

Why is weight gain so hard

Why is weight gain so hard for someone struggling with Anorexia Nervosa?

I can’t understand or cope with myself today. After almost a week off therapy, I dragged myself into my therapist’s office today and stepped on the scales. The number flashed up, my stomach felt sick, I felt dizzy and a distinct fear rose from my feet, right up to my skull.

That little mechanical box holds so much power over me. It’s digital numbers scream in my ears and pull me apart from the inside out. They cook on the anorexic fire burning within me.

Weight gain is necessary for recovery!”

I know!

I’ve written about it all before; This is why we hate weight gain, this is why we need it, this is how we deal with it. But it’s always easier said than done.

why is weight gain so hard

In theory, I know how to cope with weight gain. I know why it’s happening and I know it’s role within the parameters of my recovery. This is not my first rodeo and despite what my mind would have me think, I’m not stupid.

So why can’t I override the anorexic mindset, and replace it with my logical brain?

Here’s the thing; I’ve been living with anorexia, or some type of disordered eating, for over 23 years of my life. I overeat, I restrict or I purge. There is no sweet spot just one big psychological mess.

I restrict on a daily basis in some shape or form. My metabolism is well and truly shot, so when I go outside that restriction rebate it’s not able to cope. Unlike a healthy person who has never denied their body (there aren’t many of us) my metabolism can’t handle 2,000 – 2,500 calories a day. It can barely handle me eating an extra apple, never mind something of more calorific significance.

So I eat the bare minimum to pass myself at the clinic and yet I still gain weight faster than expected. I overshoot! Possibly an anorexic patient’s worst nightmare.

Que emotional breakdown.

I end up crying more about weight gain than I have done over the amount of death sweeping my family at the moment. So many things spill from my mouth; I’ve barely any support, I’m unbearably lonely, I’m distracting myself by writing, my family doesn’t get me. On and on and on until I’m sure the session is over.

But it’s not.

My therapist has some truth bombs to place in my lap, and we discuss the often avoided topic of ‘goal weight.‘ Here’s the shocker; It’s higher than I had anticipated. In fact, it’s far higher than I am even remotely comfortable with.

So here I am, trying to sit with this feeling and the knowledge of my inevitable weight. It’s sitting in my stomach like a bag of stones, it’s pulling apart all the hard work I’ve done.

How do I stop it from dragging me backwards?

Is there anything I can do to stop it holding me tightly in the wake of my grandmother’s death? How can I ask it to leave when I need it’s comfort so badly?

How do you start your life over when it’s constantly falling apart?

I don’t have anything now. I’m unemployed, my grandparents are sick and dying, my parents are grieving, my partner doesn’t get it and I don’t bring this shit up with my best friends because, why bother? It won’t change anything.

Weight Gain; Reality Check.

Just because I write about mental health and recovery, does not mean I am in a good place within my self. I have a desire to help others by using my own experiences, and sadly those experiences are often repeated in a cycle for me. This fuels my impostor syndrome and leads me to believe that, because I’m not living my perfect ‘recovering life‘, that I have no right to preach.

But here’s thing; Mental illness recovery isn’t an easy street.

It’s full of hidden turns, pot holes, diversions and life lessons. There are so many forks been thrown into the road that the map doesn’t add up anymore, and I’m left standing with a compass that I have no idea how to use.

I have the theory, I have the logic and I have the tools to recover, but I just can’t seem to make them all work together in tandem.

Who Am I?

This is one of the big questions I was sent away to think about. Who am I without my career, my family, my diagnoses? Not what do you want to be but who do you want to be?

What sort of person do you want to be in life?

It’s so incredibly vague but a big part of my recovery, and big part of starting a new life.

This is more or less a little bit of venting post for me. I’m suffering through the weight gain, which in turn gives me little motivation to try in life. I don’t necessary feel like going after those freelancing jobs because I feel like crap, you get me?

None the less, I’m taking it easy, getting my self care in and working on building my writing portfolio for rainy days.

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why is weight gain so hard

39 thoughts on “Why is weight gain so hard?

  1. it has happened too me .putting on weight is very DIFFICULT with Anorexic. IT IS THE AMOUNT
    This is A DAY .takes a great deal out .daily BODY EFFECTS .
    my blog.http;//mark-kent.webs.com
    people never see the every day effects .there views/judgements are very Snotty Nosed
    it would help you a great deal to TAKE PART IN RESEARCH

  2. peoples views/judgements about say Anorexic are very Snotty Nosed
    do you have Anorexic because you was bullied/Abused .BOTH HAPPENED TO ME

    if you would like a chat any time . am here

  3. It is so hard to get past a mindset. Changing a perception is way harder. Good for you for recognizing where the problems were and taking the brave steps to move back in the right direction.

  4. Oh my Goodness, I needed this today. I have been in recovery for my eating disorder too. I have been having personal setbacks this past month with my writing and I feel like everything is falling apart. Thank you for reminding me to keep going.
    P.S. I have been raised by my grandparents and have been living with my grandpa since I was sixteen. Here is a big hug! xxx.

    1. Thank you so much pet. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this too, but also grateful that there are people out there who get it!
      Sending much love. xx

  5. I dont have Anorexia Nervosa, but as an obese woman who has struggled her whole life with weight, and as a person who has struggled with depression, I know what you mean when you say, you lack motivation because you feel like crap. When you dont feel good about yourself, it’s hard to show up for your life. I agree that being able to answer the one question, “who do you want to be,” will help you tremendously. It certainly helped me!

    1. I’ve been trying to use that as motivation to get to a healthy weight. I’ve been asking myself ‘What will I gain by gaining weight’ rather than ‘what will I lose’ which is always a stupid answer.

      Thank you so much for stopping in and reading. x

  6. Ugh I totally get lacking motivation because you feel crummy. As an overweight woman I’m struggling on the other side and some days it is just so damn hard. I just keep reminding myself of the good days and trying to fight the hard one.

    1. It can be so hard. I have stopped myself from weighing/buying scales/restricting in the past. But the closer I get to ‘goal weight’ the hard it appears.
      Thank you so much for stopping in. I’m sorry you’ve struggled, it’s so difficult and horrible and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. No matter what side of the coin you’re on, weight issues are a hard thing to cope with.

  7. Perception is such a tricky thing to wrangle because no one sees you as you see you. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to bravely speak on such a personal and sensitive topic. I hope you are able to make piece with this challenging battle of getting to a healthy weight, in a way that works for you.

  8. I cannot imagine what you’re feeling. Perception of self, especially as it relates to weight, is such a difficult thing to wrangle. I appreciate your honesty and transparency with such a sensitive topic. I hope you’re able to get to a healthy goal weight, in a way that is acceptable to you.

  9. This was such a compelling read. Most people have the opposite problem, so I appreciate you sharing your experience with us. Good luck with your journey.

  10. by the sounds of it you are vomiting over 5 times a week
    how would your family/friends feel with out YOU About


  11. Your honesty is refreshing. Everyone has struggles in their lives, and it seems larger, when other components are not working for you. But, I hope you know, just by writing about your struggles, you are an inspiration to someone else.

  12. I am so sorry for your struggles and so inspired by your bluntness. I will continue to follow along to see how everything is going for you. I’m struggling with some added pounds myself and am looking for inspiration to shed them or at least embrace them.

    1. Thank you. Weight struggles of any kind can be so awful and can throw us headfirst into a spiral of self-hatred.
      I wish you all the best. x

  13. Take it one step at a time, maybe don’t weigh yourself but see how your measurements change instead

    1. That’s what I’m trying to do. They weigh me weekly at the clinic, but otherwise, I’ve managed to mostly stay away from the scale.
      Thank you so much for reading.

  14. I like that you are brave and open about this. A lot of girls suffer in silence. No one should go through this alone. No one should be criticizing the physical appearance of others either. You are not alone! You can do this.

  15. Weight gain and weight loss are very pressing issues in society that go underlooked. Its an emotional journey for sure, and sometimes it may be difficult due to mindset or lack of motivation. Thank you for your post.

    1. Thank you so much for reading. It’s a very sensitive subject for many, but one I feel better sharing because it allows me to put things into perspective.

  16. I have only heard of anorexia in the movies and people suffering from it. I do have eating disorder but mine is different, i dont even think there is a medical term for it, I do feel you but i know you will overcome. And am really sorry for your loss

    1. Thank you so much for your comment and I’m so sorry to hear about the eating disorder you suffer from. If there isn’t a name for it, it usually falls under EDNOS (Eating disorder not otherwise specified). There is help out there if you need it, you just have to advocate and fight for your right to treatment.

      Wishing you a happy new year. x

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