I remember reading about grief at Christmas in 2019 and wondering if would it ever get easier. But over the last couple of years, I’ve come to realise that grief never gets easier, it just changes.
When you’re experiencing grief at Christmas, celebrating is the last thing on your mind. The jolly jaunt of a holiday song or the twinkling of Christmas lights is enough to send you spiraling. How can you possibly be expected to celebrate Christmas when you’re feeling this extraordinary loss?
I remember my first Christmas living with grief and how angry the festivities made me feel. We were grieving the news of a terminal illness, and the stark reminder that this would be our last Christmas as an extended family. You see, grief isn’t just experienced after the loss of a loved one. You can grieve in anticipation of death or for the loss of someone through a chronic or terminal illness.
No matter what or who you’re grieving for this festive season, your grief is valid. With that in mind, here are a few ways to cope with grief at Christmas.
Coping with grief at Christmas.
It’s okay for your grief rituals to change over time.
Two thousand nineteen was the first time I’d been touched with grief. I mean really touched with grief. The following year turned out to be no different. As is customary in my family, the Christmas tree remained shut in our attic until Christmas twenty twenty-one.
When someone dies in our family, we don’t put up our Christmas tree as a mark of respect. I’m not one for Christmas anyway, so this suits me fine. While this is a ritual I’ll gladly carry on for each bereavement, that doesn’t mean that my other rituals will always remain the same. One of the starkest changes for me is the tradition of taking off work during the anniversary of a death. It’s become easier for me to be among people on anniversaries, and I even prefer it in some circumstances.
Everyone’s grieving rituals, including their holiday-themed ones, are entitled to change just as we as humans are entitled to change. You might even find new and more meaningful rituals to remember them.
It’s okay to still buy gifts and write cards for your loved ones.
I still find myself writing letters to my grandmother despite the fact that she’ll never read them. Although I haven’t had the courage to burn them (which is considered an act of cleansing), I keep them all safely in my memory box.
Even when our loved ones are gone it’s okay to buy them gifts you know they would have liked. It’s also okay to write them Christmas cards, and letters and even send texts to their old mobile number. If they still have an active voicemail or you have old videos of them, it’s also okay to listen to their voice for comfort. Although it can be heart-wrenching and difficult, it’s okay to let yourself feel those emotions, even during the ‘happiest time of the year.’
It’s okay to find different ways of celebrating.
You don’t have to put up your tree or sit down to dinner. Nor do you have to follow the same old traditions passed down through generations. Although some people may find it comforting to act out rituals from years gone by, others might find it too difficult due to the absence of loved ones.
Twenty-twenty will go down as one of the strangest and most confusing years of our lifetime. Many families will be separated from loved ones during the holidays due to lockdown, and travel restrictions. Some may even have lost loved ones throughout the year. No matter your circumstances, there’s no denying that Christmas was very different that year. But it was also an opportunity to practice different traditions.
Many discovered the convenience of video calls over Christmas dinner. or the joy of a quiz night with the family. Others even started visiting the graves of loved ones to lay a wreath or flowers.
Christmas doesn’t have to be about a tree or presents or joyfulness. It can just be like any other day but with chocolate for breakfast.
It’s okay to cry but also try to remember the happy times spent with your loved one.
All the adverts and songs glorify Christmas as a happy time of year. We must sing, we must eat, drink and be merry. But it’s also okay to cry. It’s perfectly fine to reminisce about happier times with those we loved and cry for the pain of losing them. Even years later it’s still fine to cry for a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, or even a late pet.
But, as difficult as it might seem, it’s also important to remember all the good times and the holidays gone by. I can recall many heartwarming stories of my grandparents at Christmas. From my late grandmother mixing up the Christmas gifts to the millennium spent celebrating in my late grandfather’s shed, I have so many great memories to bring a smile to my face.
It’s okay to open up and talk to someone.
I always find that being open and honest about your grief is the best policy. The fact is that many people have experienced grief in some shape or form. Grief is something that even the toughest of tough aren’t exempt from.
If you find yourself lonely or struggling on Christmas, why not reach out to a friend or family member for support? If you’d rather speak with someone in confidence, there are a variety of helplines available and online sources available, even on Christmas.
Cruse is just one such charity that can help you cope with bereavement, especially during the holidays. If you’re finding it difficult and just want someone to listen, give them a call at 0808 808 1677 (check here for opening hours).
How do you cope with grief at Christmas?
We all have different coping mechanisms, and no doubt there are plenty that I’ve missed. I would love to hear your thoughts, traditions and even memories in the comments below.
Sad things happen during the holidays. We forget this sometimes, and people have to carry these memories each year.
These are some great ideas. In my family we do enjoy sharing memories and laughs. We also pull out all the old albums and home videos. This definitely helps us through tougher times. Thanks for sharing!
Sometimes it’s not easy to open up to someone but I agree with you. It’s ok and we can try our best. These are great tips to help with grief.
Thank you for sharing this post. I always find that as much as I get into the festive spirit, the grief of not having my mum around or the babies lost become all too prevalent.
I hadn’t read this one. It is really beautiful. We all have lost loved ones and we miss them even more during Christmas. Grief as you said never stops, just changes over time. Wonderful tgoughts shared here.
6th anniversary of losing my nan today which drew me to this blog. I had a trauma at new year as well and I choose to shut down and focus on keeping myself safe as it is the only way for me to get through when other people can’t wait to drink the new year in and think you will want to as well. Thanks for this blog
This year has been so rough and I’m sorry for your loss and struggle. I always remember what you said – it’s ok to cry.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can immagine that it’s no easy at all and I hope it will get better!
I am still very much living every one of these feelings. It is so hard to know how to feel and act if I am honest.
This post captures that beautifully. It is such a tough time. Sending love this Christmas x x
The holidays sure can be hard on some of us too. I lost a few grandparents right before the holidays and it can be really tough. I’m so glad you shared this with us.
Sorry for your loss. So true. It will never get easier.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s so hard to deal with death, especially during the holidays.
The holidays are especially hard for us since we lost our Grandma. But we know she’d want us to celebrate and live our lives.
Both my grandfather and my dad died in December and my mom’s birthday was in December too. This has been a hard month!
It’s so hard missing our loved ones but especially during the holidays.
This year is completely different from any others. We are celebrating differently. I’m hoping to do a few video calls.
I really love this. I think the biggest takeaway here is that it’s okay. The holidays can make any kind of mental health strain or loss feel so much worse. It’s all about mitigating it and finding a way to make it work for you.
The holidays always make me feel sad. I’m not even sure why. I guess I miss my grandparents. And this year my parents can’t come up from Florida because of Covid. And one of my dogs hasn’t been doing well. I’m just kind of ready for it to be over.
Thank you so much for your comment. It’s so hard, especially losing someone on the mouth or day of Christmas.
Sending you much love. x
Grief is very difficult especially during the holidays. my ex-husband lost his brother on christmas eve and then his mother a year later on christmas eve as well so it’s tough every year. A lot of times you have to fill your mind with the good and fun times , but it’s only normal to feel a sad.
It’s so important to remember, as you say, that grief is OK. No matter how long ago the passing of a person was, Christmas is often the most difficult time. I try to explain to my family that collective grieving is better than grieving alone, even at celebtraions. xxx
Thank you x
Thank you so much for reading. I’m so grateful to Ruth for being able to share this with us, and for helping other people.
My aunt once said to me “without great love there wouldn’t be great loss” and it’s so true. If we didn’t feel sad and grief then we wouldn’t feel love. It’s the price we pay.
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. x
Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s so difficult. This is my first year coping with loss.
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading.
We had a couple of losses in the family this year, it’s always tough when we get together for the holidays. Happy and sad at the same time.
Great tips for people grieving around the holidays. I know this can be a very painful time for many.
We all grief in different ways… mine comes in different way depending on how close i am with the person i lost. The first time i witnessed the death of someone was my cousin but i never know what it meant for someone to be dead, i was 4 year old then, another was when i was 8 years old but them i knew what death was and the fact that i couldn’t see how again, i have lost two of my best friend which up till now i haven’t gotten over it but i have come to the realization that death is the price we all have to pay one day and that how i cop with my own grief even though it doesn’t make it hurt less.
Thank you so much for sharing this intimate story and I truly appreciate it as this time of year can her very hard when ur love ones are no longer with us. This is our first Christmas without my grandmother so it is super hard for my mom.
Sending you hugs and safe spaces. May you enjoy the little moments of love and compassion.
Crying should never be discouraged, Christmas or not.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I feel the same and I beat myself up for years when they may not have been handled well. I fear Christmas will never have a positive association for me.
Thank you for stopping in and reading.
It should be okay to cry at anytime of the year, Christmas or not.
Thank you for stopping in and reading.
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading. I’m wishing you a peaceful festive season. x
I still bring out the cards my grandmother has gotten me in years gone by. They serve as a constant reminder that she is with me always.
Sending you lots of love.
I don’t think the pain ever goes away, not completely. Sending you much love.
Thank you so much for reading. It can be so hard for those of us with no one or with toxic families that only serve to make things worse.
Sending you lots of peace this season.
I HATE new years with a passion. It hits me so, so hard and I just hate it.
I hope you have an okay festive season regardless. Sending you peace and love. x
Thank you so much for stopping in and reading. It’s so important to remember the grieving this year at Christmas, and there appears to be so, so many of us.
It does. It comes in waves and then other times won’t be there at all.
Thank you for stopping in and reading. x
I’m the same. I hate this whole “cheer up, it’s Christmas” mentality. Even before the death of my grandparents, I hated Christmas. I worked in retail for years. It’s NOT happy for everyone.
It certainly does and I don’t know if it ever gets any better. Thank you for stopping in and reading.
This is my first without both my grandmother and my grandfather. I know it’s going to be awful, but I’m keeping the faith. x
I’m so sorry for your loss. 2019 has been one full of death for me and therefore this will be a very, very difficult year for me. I’m grateful that Ruth took the time to write this article because I don’t think I could have held myself together long enough to get it done.
I hope Christmas this year isn’t too bad for you, despite everything. Thank you for stopping in and reading. x
Wow, this hit me hard! My grandmother died About 10 years ago, two days after my birthday, on Nov. 5th. My grandpa died a little more than a month later on Dec. 24th. Needless to say I can totally relate, although it really didn’t occur to me Until I read this, that I was still grieving. Thanks for this post, it made me feel better somehow
Great post. This is my second Christmas without my grandma. I miss her a lot.
Christmas is a really difficult time especially when the loved one is lost near Christmas! It affects us in such strange ways x
I’m not a fan of the societal expectation to be happy at Christmas, no matter what. We all deserve to be able to grieve, no matter what time of year it is!
Grief is such a difficult thing to deal with especially during this time. It really does affect everyone differently. 🙁
Unfortunately, I have experienced a lot of loss in my life so I can definitely relate to the different stages and levels of grief and one thing I’ve learned is that everyone mourns differently so it’s important to recognize this.
For me grief hits at New Years, rather than Christmas. I’m a little nostalgic at Christmas time, but my grandma died on New Year’s Eve… and it always seems to hit most that day. 😀
Thanks so much for sharing!
The holidays are very lonely without loved ones. I’ve lost family as well and miss them to this day, especially around the holidays. Having help coping with grief is needed.
My grandpa passed away 28 years ago. I miss him all the time, but the grief has turned to fond memories now. He was one of the most kind people I have ever met.
I said a prayer for all of you above that are experiencing grief this season. May you find some peace!
I love the ideas in this post about ways to minister to others that are dealing with grief. I would like to do something, but maybe not just for Christmas.
It’s hard to deal with grief, especially during the holidays. The cards for an example are a great ways to cope ❤️❤️❤️
Grief is such a difficult thing to deal with, but pair it with the Holidays, and it goes to a whole new level. It’s important to be mindful of those who are struggling with grief, especially this time of the year
This is so true. I’ve gotten emotional more than once listening to Christmas music. I agree that it’s okay to cry. It’s better to let everything out.
Christmas is a very nostalgic time for me and unfortunately that means remember times when my grandparents were alive, making me miss them terribly. My grandma was one of my best friends and my grandpa was one of the kindest men I’ve ever known. This year in particular has been a struggle even though they’ve been gone for several years.
When I feel this way I like to surround myself with family, especially my nephew, who I see my grandparents in so much.
It is hard to deal with a death around the holidays. Crying is always allowed.
The loss of a loved one is horrible, but more so during the holiday season. I lost my brother unexpectedly 4 years ago, and although time passes so quickly, it still feels like it was yesterday. Grief is something everyone has to go through, whether its a young child loosing their pet goldfish or anyone leaving a loved one. To me, the greatest comfort is, I know my loved ones are still with me, not only in my heart but in spirit as well.
Wow, thank you for sharing. It is true. I havent had big grief around Christmas, but being alone for it, away from family, it is really hard. O cant imagine what it will be later….
I’m sending you so much love. I’m dreading it so much. I’ve never experienced grief like this before so it’s new territory. xx
I’m in the same boat. I lost my grandfather and grandmother this year so it’s going to be very hard. Sending much love to you and your family.
This will be a tough Christmas for us since Nana Jo passed away. I know it’ll be particularly hard on my mom, who lost HER mom, so I am working hard to be sure I’m there for sure.
I’m not looking forward to Christmas grief hitting me, I’m doing well so far which usually means the fall is going to be hard and knock me off my feet x