What will recovery bring to your life?

What will recovery bring to your life?

What will recovery bring to your life? What do you want from recovery? What things are you currently unable to pursue or get on with because of the mental illness? 

I find that these are such broad questions. Some of my answers will be similar to the answers of others, while some will be unique. We all have our own ideas of what we want from recovery and no matter how big or small they are, they’re all extremely important to us. 

There are so many things that I want recovery to bring me. Some will be mentioned here, while others I am choosing to keep to myself. 


One.

I want recovery to bring me as much peace around food and situations involving food as possible. I’m not expecting miracles by any means, I just want a bit more control. 

Two.

I want recovery to bring me inner peace and happiness, and the ability to finally manage my emotions like a healthy adult.

Moreover, I want recovery to bring me back my feelings! I want to know what it feels like to be excited, happy or joyful. I’ll even take normal! I’ve only been able to grasp the ‘negative‘ emotions, while the others have become much duller. 

Three.

I want recovery to allow me the freedom of routine. At the moment I don’t stay over at people’s houses because I can’t go through my evening and morning rituals. It scares me to step out of them because it feels like something awful will happen, even though I know it won’t.

I’ve been challenging this on a daily basis and allowing myself the freedom to lay on in bed if I need to, but the discomfort it brings me to do that is still overwhelming. Especially as of late. 

Four.

I want recovery to bring me the ability to go back to work and not be a complete letdown. At this point, I don’t care what I do or how I do it, I just want to be able to cope like everyone else around me. 

The guilt of being off work has been eating me alive for months now. That, accompanied by the other stressors in my life, have turned to deep shame in the pit of my stomach. 

All of it, the guilt, shame and self-loathing, has managed to curl around my body like snakes. Lately, they’ve been growing tighter every day, making me feel worse. 

Five.

I want recovery to bring me the possibility of having children in the future if Ryan and I decide that’s what we want. Right now there is no chance of that happening due to my sporadic period and deep seeded body issues. 

Six.

I want recovery to bring me the ability to wear clothes that aren’t made for children or a size 4 woman.

Recently I tried to find a few decent outfits to wear to a very personal ‘event’ that was happening in my life. I needed to look my best! But that meant a lot of shopping with very little success. I discovered that even the smallest sizes in Primark and Dunnes weren’t fitting, and so I ended up buying trousers from the kid’s section in New Look. 

Embarrassed is an understatement. It’s so hard to find anything for a 5’6 toddler. 

Seven.

I want recovery to bring me freedom from the fear of stepping on the scales. God, is that a big fear! It dominates my life at the moment, especially due to all the emotional trauma I am going through at the moment. 

Eight. 

I want what little self-esteem and confidence I had to come back so I can work on improving it. Right now I very little of anything. I felt it growing in the earlier stages of recovery, but recent trauma has just left me completely deflated. 

Hopefully working through recovery will help me realise my self-worth.

What do you want recovery to bring to you? Are your answers similar or maybe you have something else entirely? Share your thoughts with me on Twitter or Facebook. I would love to hear from you!

What will recovery bring to your life?

36 thoughts on “What will recovery bring to your life?

  1. I love the way you are specific about naming your wants. Then, if you come back and reread the list sometime, you might be able to see progress. Good strategy! Thanks for sharing your struggles and being so real.

    1. I’m also hoping these will hold me accountable in the future should I feel like giving up! Thank you so much for stopping by Lisa, it’s always a pleasure 😀

  2. Great post – I find that dealing with everything is SUPER straining on my relationships, so I’m hoping that going through the recovery process will mean I can embrace those incredible people in my life and spend even more time with them without being caught up in my head, my ‘rules’, etc

    1. Oh I know. You are constantly in your head. However now, as I am watching my grandparents die and have to be there for them, I have completely forgotten about myself. Not in a good or bad way. I’m not working on my recovery as I should be, but equally, I’m not dwelling on food. You know? But I exhaust far more easily as I try to juggle everything in the back of my mind. I can see myself slipping after it’s all said and done.

      Thank you for stopping by Britt – it’s a pleasure as always 😀

  3. Another brilliant post, recovery is so important in mental health illnesses. You talk so openly that everyone feels so comfortable reading your posts. Keep up the great work 💗

    1. Thank you so much for the nomination! I will be updating my previous nomination with yours added 😀
      Thank you so much for stopping by x

  4. I cried a little at no. 6 – I remember I used to make a big thing of “I just couldn’t resist picking these up for my niece” because I was so embarrassed at being in child sized clothes, I was (and am) so proud when I got back up to ‘straight sized’ clothing even with my body image and confidence wobbles.

    It’s difficult to envision what recovery will bring to my life or even look like for me because, well, Autism is for life-not just for christmas! But there are so many layers of co-morbid MH issues that I developed along the way.
    I think that recovery will bring Freedom!
    1) When I am able to function/manage life without a carer (Dad) then I can remove myself from the toxicity of Mum (and maybe finally start to heal from a lifetime of toxicity that I previously only escaped by going into care)
    2) When I am clean from my prescription drug addiction I will be able to think about driving again which will give me the freedom to do some travelling again (within the UK – I’m not sure I’ll ever manage public transport solo and that’s okay)
    3) When I am recovered from my ED (which thanks to you dear Nyxie I now know means more than just the weight restoration) I will be able to freely choose any foods that I want from menus <3

    1. Thank you so much for sharing this with me Ruth! I am so embarrassed about wearing kids stuff I’ve often told cashers that ‘Oh it’s for my daughter’ or ‘It’s for my niece. She’s ten and it’s her birthday soon’. I don’t have a daughter and, although I have a few nieces, they aren’t ten. Nor do I buy them clothes.

      I believe that you will be able to boss recovery and do all these things! I believe you will escape the toxicity of your household. Mother’s can be so overbearing and as I am sure you’ve picked up from my twitter, I have mother issues too!
      I hope you are seeking treatment for your prescription drug use! You probably know this all already but they can be just as harmful, if not more so, like illegal drugs. My grandmother has been addicted to co-codamol for years, and my other grandmother (who has terminal cancer) has ruined her body with persistent antibiotic use. I imagine it’s such a hard habit to kick. For months last year, I was unknowingly addicted to taking prescription laxatives because I was so scared that if I didn’t take them I would become impacted again (my IBS means I get constipated under stress, and I was chronically stressed last year, so you know…). When I took myself off them in January I immediately went back to normal. I fully believe it’s because I have decided to try and heal myself from the inside out, and that stressors I was experiencing are no longer there.

      You are doing so well on your journey love. I can see that and I hope you can too. Keep talking and keep writing.

      – Nyxie

      1. Nyxie – I keep asking for help lovey and they keep telling me no.
        In 2015 I realised I had an addiction within around 3 months of starting benzos – you’re only meant to be on them for a max of 2 weeks but nobody told me this – I just kept being told to keep taking them so I did without questioning it.
        I was given some (bad) advice on titrating down at home to come off them by my keyworker at the time but withdrawal got so bad it got to the point that my family was in danger as well as me so I stopped.

        I’m on half the dose I started at but I’m too afraid to try again at home and unsupported – I’ve looked into private detox clinics but none of the local ones will take me because I’m Autistic and a “complex case” and I think I’ve told you about the current battle between ASD services and Mental Health services about who is supposed to be providing any kind of support. It’s also part of the reason I am so angry with MH services because I was promised a plan to get me off benzos and either trial med free or onto appropriate medication after my Autism assessment.
        Sorry this has become a really long comment <3 I'm just so desperate for help with the physical detox and I've been begging for over 3 years now and bleurgh. The mental side I know I'll end up having to figure out in my own time anyway, I just need the help with the physical side.

        I am so glad that you're healing from the laxative use and your digestive system is healing <3

        1. I remember we discussed the complication between ASD and MH services. It’s disgraceful! I can’t believe they would leave you without help for so long, especially considering the circumstances! Benzo’s are horribly addictive and harmful to the body! They really need to get their finger out and get it sorted!

  5. This post is a great idea. In the road to recovery it’s important to keep hope alive. I love that you are visualizing your life in recovery. Thanks for having the courage to share your experience. I hope recovery comes quickly.

  6. I admire you for sharing your vulnerabilities and areas of improvement. In my opinion your insight is a strength and should not be ignored! You’re amazing for sharing your journey through recovery and I am sure others feel the same! Keep pushing….

  7. Beautifully written. It is hard to be able to even let ourselves recover and be in a place that allows us to take a step towards improving. Love and light on your journey to find happines and light, hun!❤

  8. What I want from recover most is freedom from myself, and my own toxic thought cycles.

    You have some really great reason for wanting to recover and its these that should keep you holding on and fighting💪🏼💜

    You’re doing amazing, don’t give up and keep on inspiring us💫

    1. Thank you so much for stopping by Tink! You are doing amazingly in your own recovery, and sharing your story with us over the last few days has been an amazing journey not just for us, but mostly for you!

      – Nyxie

  9. It is such a victory when we are able to look beyond our current situation in healing and start thinking about a healthy future. And to picture ourselves as living a whole life again.

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