Life Before Recovery.

Before deciding on recovery I was in denial that there was even a problem. Yes I wasn’t eating as much but it was fine, it was temporary and I could deal with it. I had always gone off my food from time to time during my quasi-recovery, but it never made me relapse. Why would this time be any different?

What was your life before recovery? And how did you end up here?

Today I want to talk about life before recovery, where I was and why I ended up here. It can’t have been healthy, right? Otherwise how could I have gotten so damn lost? I always thought life was going fine. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t wonderful either. Not as wonderful as it should be when I have a supportive partner, a good job and a new house. I’ve never had anything that I would call ‘trauma‘ in my life, so I should have been just fine. Right?

Here’s the thing though; Life was stressful, and I just can’t handle stress.

I’m still going through the early stages of recovery, but since January my life has been changing consistently, and I’ve been growing stronger every day.

  • I’m more aware of what drove me to relapse.
  • I know my triggers.
  • I’m more aware of my issues with self-confidence.
  • I’ve started meditation, yoga, and mudras, and manage at least one of these daily.
  • Sometimes it’s hard, but I’m trying to be nicer to myself.

Before deciding on recovery I was in denial that there was even a problem. Yes, I wasn’t eating as much but it was fine, it was temporary and I could deal with it. Going off my food during stressful periods was normal for me, and it had never made me relapse before. Why would this time be any different?

Well, it was.

In October ’18 I decided to start restricting my diet to an undisclosed amount of calories each day, with intermittent fasting days in-between. It was conscious and I was doing it because I needed somethinganything, to just take the edge off everything else in my life. I felt over-anxious and stressed all the time to the point where my stomach was severely affected, and I just didn’t know how to shut down.

So, I decided to do a manual reset.

Stupidly, I researched the benefits of intermittent fasting, and that helped for the first few weeks. I felt far better, more energetic and I wasn’t concentrating on everything else because I was so fixated on the hunger.

On the 17th of October, I decided to buy a scale. It would be my first in 5 years.

I weighed myself and almost cried at the number.

A light had switched on in my head. Weight became the main goal in my life. Not the sickness running through my family, not my job, and not what was going on in my own household. Nothing mattered except getting that number down. So that’s just what I did.

And now I’m here.

In the last few weeks before I was signed off work I can barely remember anything. It’s all a bit of a haze. Most day’s I don’t even remember driving to work.

Isolation and numbness took over my life, But I didn’t want to talk to or be near people. I just wanted to be alone with my eating disorder.

As long as that number on the scale kept going down I was fine; It was all fine.

I was dropping weight every day and then I hit the lowest I had ever been. There was nothing but skin and bones, and the word ‘inpatient‘ was being thrown around by my GP.

Then, and only then, did I officially sign myself off with the help of the HR manager and my own manager. The morning before I had just found out that my grandmother had terminal cancer and after the cancer diagnoses of my grandfather in March ’18, I was a mess. I was nothing but a ball of negative energy and completely hopelessness at this point. All the emotions I had been smothering came to the surface and after I was signed off all I did was cry for about 3 days.

Now I’m here. I’m with the eating disorder services, I’m working on recovery each day, I’m cooperating with my workplace to the best of my ability and I’m determined to kick this once and for all.

I’m more motivated to find out why I do this to myself and how I can stop it happening again.

As selfish as it sounds this is about me, the time I need and how I can learn more about myself, and how to keep ME healthy and happy.


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Life before recovery

49 comments

  1. well glad you shared such valuable and and helpful information indeed..this blog post is definitely going to be very helpful and useful one indeed…great work though..

  2. Me too. It takes a long time, but every day I see a bit more sunshine. 🙂 Hugs and love to you! And a bit more sunshine every day!!!!

  3. I’m now coming out of the haze of anorexia and the world just seems like such a different place since I checked out last year. I feel like a whole other person, still shaking the grips of mental illness off my shoulders.

  4. I agree, before recovery, we don’t even realize we are thinking in unhealthy patterns. What a whole new world is opened up to us!

  5. The scale is what sets me off. I can go for years in quasi-recovery, and then as soon as I step on a scale or my clothing goes up a size I lose it. That’s why I’m so determined to beat this thing once and for all. 3rd times the charm!

  6. I can totally relate to this 🙁 when I was younger I dealt with an eating disorder and poor mental health!
    I remember how upset I would get if I gained just a pound one day cuz I binged cuz I just couldn’t take it anymore! I was a dancer and weight was everything to the point where it made ya sick!! I no longer care as much, but I do look at the scale from time to time and feel a little disappointed on some days!

  7. Hi Nyxie, thanks for sharing your story, it’s very brave of you. I’m glad to hear you’re making life about you and that you’re working on improving from where you are now. Investing in your own development is never a waste and you shouldn’t feel sorry about it 🙂 Best of luck!

  8. This really hits home for me right now. I just realized that I am on the line of eating disorder and being healthy. The weight keeps dropping so i keep starving myself. Thanks for the post, it helps.

  9. I love this!! I find for me self care is so important in helping me avoid relapse.

  10. This is so raw and honest, thank you for sharing. I’m currently dealing with 2 chronic illnesses and it’s an everyday battle.

  11. Thank you so much for your ongoing support <3 You are so wonderful xx Thank you so much for continually stopping by and making me feel so loved and worth while x

  12. I am so very thankful for your manager and that you have a supportive workplace <3 you genuinely inspire me to look harder at myself (not in a harsh way) and realise how much I lie to myself about how well recovered I am and how much I need to work on myself and growing a more healthful relationship with foods and my body.
    I think that had it not been for my PT helping me to switch my focus to bodybuilding and catching me before I became "officially" underweight that I would have ended up in a lot more difficulty, as it is I have concerns at times about my mindset and whether the bodybuilding is just masking a disorder.
    I wish that they had focused on more than just weight restoration with me when I was a teenager tbh, but I was having so much other therapy at that point maybe they just figured it would be covered.

    Much love to you Nyxie – please keep on sharing xxx

  13. My workplace is very supportive but I am putting a lot of blame and guilt on myself in regards to having to be off. They aren’t doing it, you understand, it’s me and my own beliefs.

    Having an understanding workplace is a must in order to be able to fully engage with recovery!

    Thank you so much for your response and for stopping by 🙂

  14. I loved reading this honesty. You’re obviously quite balanced in how you’re viewing your recovery right now- owning the setbacks and acknowledging your progress which are equally important to learning and looking forward. I also loved that your workplace seems really supportive. Is that the case? It’s so lovely to hear of more workplaces working with their staff in their struggles. Thanks for this post!

  15. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. Your support and kind words mean so much to me! I often don’t feel like a warrior, so to have you say that is so inspiring!

  16. Awareness is an important part of the process of seeing with a fresh perspective and you have that. It’s an ongoing journey, figuring out why we do what we do and then shifting. Blessing on your continuing recovery!

  17. You are so brave for sharing your journey like this. Relapses don’t feel good but that’s one way to find out more about yourself.
    Thanks for sharing.

  18. This is such a brave post, and I imagine not an easy one to write. Looking head on and acknowledging our difficulties is hard. I know you only through your posts but I am so proud of you for your determination and for what you referred to as “selfishness’ but I see as bravery and the wisdom to know when you need to stop everything and focus on yourself. Thank you for sharing your journey.

  19. You are so very strong to share this! Body image is a huge thing in our world, based on the stereotype that you must look a certain way, weigh a certain amount and society still hasn’t fully accepted all skin tones or genders. The list goes on and on. Be yourself! You are beautiful, and there’s nobody quite like you. I too struggle with my body image. For many years I’ve been battling my weight. Always trying to fit into someone else’s idea of what I should look like. ????????‍♀️ ???????????? You’re a warrior!

  20. Thinking about yourself is the least selfish thing you can be doing right now <3 <3 Sending you SO many positive vibes.

  21. It’s so hard to fight yourself on a daily basis, but sadly it’s a must if I want any chance of a normal life. I know that my life is far from normal right now, but by Christmas this year I hope for it to be a reality!

  22. I understand that it is, and right now it’s all I can do not to relapse!
    Thank you for taking the time to read and comment 🙂

  23. Must say, interesting read, but you know to have a relaps ins perfectly normal in any situation.

  24. Thank you for sharing your story.. You sound determined so I hope everything continues to go well.

  25. Thank you for sharing your story! A sense of determination really comes across in those closing statements and I wish you all the best with your recovery. You should be really proud of yourself for how far you’ve come and how hard you are trying to beat this.

  26. Thank you, I found this very interesting, as it’s kinda what I’ve started focusing on recently. I have lost control of pretty much everything else and eating, and my weight is the only thing I can control. So that is what I’m doing. I am the same in the fact that I just want the numbers to go down. I ate some pizza yesterday, and felt guilty.
    I have enough fat on me though so it’s not like I’m in trouble. I just came on my period too, though it’s a week late, but I just want to lose. So I think it’s controllable. I am not sure.
    Thank you for being so honest…
    As for BPD recovery, well I am still only in early stages. One step forward and two back often. I am better than where I was. But there is so much to work on still. And it’s me that is my worst enemy. It is extremely difficult fighting yourself on so many different levels.

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